Did you think I was finished w/ my rant about ol' RR? Nooooooo, my friends, far from it. Actually, in the book it's more of a hurricane-sized tirade than a mere March wind rant. Oh, and by the way, I'm only mentioning her name by initials from now on, because each time I use her name an ad for her products ends up on my damn blog! In case you weren't aware, we, the bloggers, have no control over what ads are showcased on our blog sites. The ads that appear are based on what the topics are in the blog writings.

I know all you RR-lovers are wondering what the hell more I could bitch about. Nothing. It's the same fucking thing I was bitching about before. The tip thing, her being a celebrity, her being on the Food Network w/ this, and her being what SHOULD be a role model for the American public who's so in love w/ her Pollyanna ass.

It was humorous, yet anger-provoking, the other night when, as I was watching Tony Bourdain, ol' RR came up in conversation on his episode. Humorous because I had just the other day written some of what's in my book about her on here, but raising my ire because I found out that she DIDN'T, in fact, tip 15% at the place at which Tony was eating in South Carolina. We, as viewers, were told by someone who appeared to be the owner of the eatery (or at least someone who had been working the day RR was there) that Miss I'm-just-a-regular-person had tipped her server TEN FUCKING PERCENT. Yes, I said TEN. Nothing tears me away from Tony when he's on, but I was almost torn away that night so that I could come in here and tell y'all that, in the way most Southerners do things, I wanted to very mannerly go find this smiling little shit and kick her ass w/ my heaviest, most pointy-toes boots, all the way to Italy, along w/ her cheating, Mafioso-looking hubby.

I was newly outraged and incensed about this 10% fact because, when watching that $40 dollar a day program in its first season, I remember having calculated her food, along w/ tax and tip, for one particular episode. My ass nerves had already been pinched because I knew by then that she only tipped 15%, when she no doubt was getting the ass-kissing service of her life. So on one episode (I think she may have been in Denver, but I'm not certain), I got on the computer and looked up that city's tax code. Sure enough, that city's tax rate jived w/ what was shown on the screen, but it let me know that she had tipped a mere 15%, and the tip was to the goddamn penny. Although I don't remember the exact details, let's say the tip, at 15%, should have been $1.76. So why not leave at least $2.00? No. She left the exact $1.76.

Her message to people across the U.S.? Leave only what you have to, and leave it to people who, no matter how fabulous the service, make little more than $2.00 per hour. I tried to be somewhat PC about her in my earlier posting, but now I'm PISSED. I'm pissed finding out about the 10% thing because it means we've all been duped by her. And by the Food Network. What, you think they didn't know this? C'mon, people, take some reality drugs.

I wrote RR, through the Food Network, those many years ago when I found out the to-the-penny 15% thing. I never heard back from either of them (big surprise). Now, though, I'm seriously thinking of declaring a campaign ... waging a war, so to speak. What RR has done, and what the Food Network has allowed her to do, is beyond reproach. Don't take that wrongly. I'm not blaming the ENTIRE Food Network, just the people who worked on and produced her show for them. They duped us by providing false information about her tips. Isn't there something about false advertising that could help w/ this???

Just so you, my faithful readers, know, I'm going into my shoe closet to find my heaviest and most pointed-toed boots right now.

I'm not letting this go.





the bohemian

Back in the restaurant business again.

You know that old cliche that each sex says about the other? You can't live w/ them, but you can't live w/o them? That's me and the restaurant business.

I could kick my own ass for loving the restaurant business the way I do. It drives me totally insane. Yet, there I am, right back in it. And I loved every minute of it tonight.

Beachchef and Donna! What fantastic comments from you again! WOOOHOOO!!!

In the book, "TV and Food" is a chapter all to itself, albeit the smallest chapter. As for RR, I'm certainly not finished w/ her yet. The chapter deals w/ food, chefs, the restaurant industry, and even how some servers don't have the faintest clue as to what a ribeye looks like as opposed to a porterhouse, even though there's all this tremendous wealth of information out there.

I'll be writing more later on today, but, before I forget, I wanted to mention a blog that you guys should check out. Look for "The Journey Called Life" under the Blogs I Like section. The entry you should read is dated 8/27/07. I applaud her gutsy entry!

Why am I writing about food and TV when the book is about the daily grind, the often-unappreciated life that is being a server? I have only 2 words in answer to that ... Rachael Ray.

I know, I know. She's everydamnbody in America's sweetheart. Before you start breaking EVOO bottles on the ground and demand that I walk across them barefoot, however, let me explain just what it is about her that has pinched my ass nerves.

That damned "$40 a Day" show on the Food Network pissed me off the first time I ever saw it. If you've never seen it, the premise is to go almost anywhere in the U.S., any city, any town, and be able to eat out while visiting there for no more than $40 a day. Good premise, I agree. What had me chomping at the bit was her tips to her servers. Fifteen percent, down to the exact penny! No more, no less. In an industry where fifteen percent has been too low for far too long, she, of all people, should have shown something better to all of America.

1. all day: the total number of orders of a particular item needed at that moment ("I need 5 salmon all day," or "I need 3 Margaritas all day")

2. back of house (BOH): basically, this simply denotes the kitchen and all it's areas (prep rooms/areas, dish room, line, etc.)

3. campers: people who sit at a table for far too long, thus keeping the server from having the table re-sat (which means the server cannot make any further money on that table). Campers are CI's. They are extremely rude, thoughtless and self-absorbed. I don't mean just toward their servers, either. What about all the people waiting for a table so that they, too, can enjoy a nice dinner?

4. check average: a server's total sales for the night divided by the number of covers. E.g., a server's sales were $800.00 and they did 25 covers. Thus, their check average was $32.00. The entire restaurant's check average is calculated the same way. A Friday night's sales were $5,000.00. There were 140 covers. The restaurant's overall check average, then, was $35.71. Obviously, the higher a server's check average, the more tips they make. Just as obviously, the higher a server's check average, the better they are as a salesperson and not just an order-taker.

5. covers: number of customers served. ("We did 200 covers tonight.")

6. drop a check: giving the customer their bill. This requires tact and finesse on the server's part. One should never drop a check until ALL food has been consumed and it is certain that no more drinks, coffee, etc. are going to be ordered. On busy nights, host staff will try to rush the server to do this. ("Have you dropped the check on 22 yet? Well, hurry! I need that table!") Servers who have no business being servers drop a check far too quickly, signifying to the customer "get the hell out of here," or drop a check far too late, thus keeping the customer a prisoner when they're long since ready to leave.

7. eighty-six (86): out of. gone. ("86 pommes frites!" Here's one I used to hear a lot, "If John doesn't straighten up, we're going to have to 86 his ass.")

8. eta: just as w/ the airlines, it means estimated time of arrival. Unlike the airlines however, the eta at a restaurant should be given in seconds or minutes. (Server to expo,"What's the eta on 15?" Server to bartender, "What's the eta on my 3 cosmo's?") A server should NEVER ask for an eta unless the customers are getting edgy or have inquired about their order. Also, all kitchen and bar staff should ALWAYS know that a server is only asking because it is becoming or has already become an issue.

9. expo: expedite or expediter.
noun ... the kitchen station which dresses the plates and does the final inspection of them before being sent out to the servers. Also, the person doing the expediting.
verb ... the act of expediting ("Who is expo'ing tonight?")

10. fire: to cook. E.g., a server has been told by a table, after they receive their apps, that they would like a while before their entrees come out. Server then relates this to expo. Later, when the customers are ready, server lets expo know, "You can fire 21 now."

11. front of house (FOH): basically, it's all areas that customers can see. FOH generally comprises the dining room/rooms, the bar area and the waiting area.

12. hanging on: what a ticket is needing to be complete, and thus sent out. ("I'm hanging on a duck for 31" means that a duck dish is needed so that the complete order for table 31 can go out.)

13. in the weeds: what comes after being slammed. One notch up from slammed/hammered. You're about to lose your shit. Being in the weeds means you're so god-awful busy that you KNOW you're forgetting something, but it just can't take precedence right now. ("Fuck 'em. If I can't remember what it is, then it ain't too important.") You realize that other servers are slammed, but this is a time you just can NOT help them. Being in the weeds makes a server understand that fine line between being able to handle it versus NOT being able to handle it. I've seen many a server crack under the pressure of being in the weeds.

14. kfc: (this may be a North Carolina term) kitchen's fucking closed. Kfc is called by the FOH staff member in charge of doing so, but only after they have gone around to every FOH staff who may order food to ensure that all tickets have been sent to the kitchen. For instance, a restaurant's kitchen closes at 11p.m. It is now 11, so the FOH manager or a surrogate goes to every server, every bartender, every host/hostess and asks if they have any late tickets going in. Once it has been determined there are none left to order, the person yells to the kitchen, "KFC!!!"

15. mid-rare or mid-well: meat or fish temperatures. It's never MEDIUM rare or MEDIUM well. Also, if a server has a patron who orders their food this way, that patron gets better treatment because the server knows instantly that this is someone who also works in a restaurant. (We take care of our own!)

16. nuke: to microwave. Not a recommended practice, but I've seen it done far too many times, especially on re-fires.

17. on a wait: there are diners waiting to be sat. The wait could be a mere 5 minutes or as long as 2 hours. It's up to the host staff to let the kitchen know that the restaurant is on a wait, and the approximate wait time.

18. on the fly: an item needed ASAP. Usually, an item is needed on the fly when a screw-up has occurred, whether by the server or by the kitchen personnel. Re-fires should always be done on the fly, but I personally haven't seen that very often.

19. push: try to sell out of an item, quite often because it's in its last stages of freshness (about to go bad). "Push the Mahi Mahi tonight." Occasionally, however, it's because the chef over-ordered that item.

20. re-fire: re-cook an item or whole dish. This is never, ever good. Kitchens ABHOR re-fires. Having a dish sent back creates indignation and anger all along the line. This topic will be discussed in further detail in another part of the book.

21. rolls: a setting of silverware rolled in a napkin. Except for fine dining, this is done in practically every restaurant in the U.S. Also, it's a part of a server's daily sidework.

22. seat/sat: the act of seating customers at a table. "I just sat a 3-top at your 21," or "I'm going to seat you next."

23. slammed/hammered: BUSY. Busy as shit, to be exact. Being slammed means your section is full, or likely close to it, and instead of the routine doing 10 things at once, you're probably trying to do about TWENTY things at once.

24. special order: there's virtually no such thing any longer. EVERYONE wants to make their own menus and menu items. As I told you before, I blame Nora Ephron and, to a lesser degree, Meg Ryan for this rudeness. (I've really gotta send a copy of my book to Nora Ephron when it's finished.)

25. sos: sauce on the side. One of my most despised terms. No, wait. It IS my most despised. (See the entry re: Meg Ryan. Hell, see the name of my book!)

26. stiffed: a table leaves no tip for the server ("Those assholes at 5 just stiffed me!")

27. tables: the amount of tables a server has determines the possible number of people a server may be waiting on. For example, one server may have 5 tables, but each one is a deuce (can accommodate only 2 people). The maximum number of people that server will wait on at once is 10. Another server may have only 3 tables, but one of those is a 6-top and the other 2 are 4-tops. Thus, the maximum number of people they may be waiting on is 14. If you haven't figured it out, it's all about the covers, people.

28. top: how many people are at a table, e.g., "a 4-top is at 31," or "I have a 12-top at 14 and 15." The only exception to this is 2-top, which is generally known as a deuce.

29. VIP: Tony Bourdain, the Food God. No, seriously, this usually refers to business or governmental leaders in that city or town, like the Mayor or the CEO of a major business. It ALWAYS refers to the owner and the owner's family. I delve further into VIP's in the "Customers" chapter.

30. this is one I have no name for, but I've searched for inspiration as to how to name it. It's for all the CI's and diners w/ absolutely no taste (or taste buds) who order a nice cut of meat or fish WELL DONE. I've been thinking the name "turd," such as, "I need a filet turd," or "33 wants a salmon turd." Hmmm. I don't know. How about some suggestions from you guys?

(I just realized that I've missed four important ones, so I'll try to fit them in after I finish the above list. One is bt, which stands for bartender. Another is apps, which means appetizers. The third is "turn and burn," and the fourth is "section," both of which I'll describe later.)